A Bit of UCLA Satire

GRAPHIC: Paper Cuts Cover Students Bodies As Student Clubs Shove Flyers in Their Faces

UCLA students attending the annual Student Activities Fair barely  escaped the blizzard of flyers, pamphlets, and oral presentations  that left 30 students wounded due to severe papercuts and deafness. “I walked in looking for an engineering club and came out after signing up for 13 upcoming acapella auditions,” laments freshman Rahul Singh. Rahul was soon assaulted by a dance group that backed him into a corner while doing the Macarena. “When they’re talking to me, I forget that I hate dancing. They are very convincing,” Rahul said while reluctantly signing up for their mailing list. The Student Activities Fair organizers however, are already looking forward to next year’s advertising method: lassos that capture prospective members in order to expedite the spiel-delivery process.

UCLA Student Accidentally Takes 10-Mile Hike by Attempting to Avoid Stairs

John Sloth, a Sophomore Bruin, wandered for 10 miles into the wilderness in his tireless attempt to get to his 8 AM class without climbing up a single set of stairs. “I will walk to the moon and back if it means I can avoid those Death stairs,” John said with determination. John was reportedly seen yesterday with a topographical map and a compass near Santa Monica Beach. “If I just walk for 20 more miles, build an underground tunnel, and crawl through an air duct, I’ll be able to make it to class without my calves falling off,” he exclaims. Meanwhile, UCLA housing is thinking of renovating De Neve Plaza and adding another set of stairs to discourage students from the popular but unhealthy late night chicken wings.